Business Bitch to Service Worker?

What's up, blog? Long time no typey-type. My world looks pretty different than it did the last time I wrote, I think. A random sweet someone on instagram recently wrote to me that they read the blog and they loved my writing. AWE! When I read my writing in hindsight, I'm always like.. You are a fucking genius. Real, raw, and fun! But on the flip side when I'm in the act of writing it's reeeeeeal easy to get critical of myself. There are so many great writers and thinkers out there that I admire and sometimes I just feel.... Like a silly ol' human babbling about things I think I know but change in a blink of an eye. Such a funny little dance we all have within ourselves. The pendulum swing of confidence to insecurity and back is maddening and has never ceased to keep on swangin'. Today I feel amused by it, which is maybe why I have braved this session of writing. And look! I'm already having fun!

Okay so my life... I'll start by saying that I got a job! Like a real job. I work at a cute lil restaurant in Greenpoint as a host/barista. And it's FUN! It is feeding my lil extroverted heart. My work for the past 4 years has been isolated. I've been hulled up in my apartment or in my studio doing work that is alone. Don't get me wrong, solitary work has its own perks but I think I've been dying to just be around people. And I'm good at it! I love people. People love me. I get to flex my charisma and flirt and just help people have a good time. I've always sorta been naturally gifted in the arena of people. Restaurant work is sort of like a stage for me and I love to put on a show! It's not acting though. There is no insincerity. I just..... zhuzh up the experience with my genuine good vibes. Easy! The whole experience has been super rewarding for me. I ain't making enough money yet but they are training me to be a bartender and THAT is where the juice is. I feel secure.

It feels a little funny being so jazzed and satisfied with such an ordinary pursuit. I've been shooting for the stars the last few years with my art and design career. That made me feel larger than life in a lot of ways. Shiny and brave! But man, when I tell you that asking (no, desperately begging) your passion to feed you and sustain the roof over your head quickly extinguishes any levity and joy you had with the work, I AIN'T LYING! We're always told- "just do what you love and you'll never work a day in your life!" Sounds simple? Yeah, no. For me, combining my passion with my security was a direct route to heartbreaking burnout and a not-so-sexy existential crises. So much shame and confusion! So here I am now.. Recalibrating what it means to be successful and what it is I want for my life. Service work is interesting because it isn't my passion but I find genuine reward in it. AND AND AND! I get to C.L.O.C.K. O.U.T!!! Good lord what a wonder! Running a business is a bitch because you never really clock out. There is always something more that you should/could be doing and on top of that, any amount of money you spend on yourself (even fucking food!!!) could go to the business. I honestly almost never left shame mode while I only had my business pants on. No wonder I was tired. Working in service awards me real and true free time! I don't have to spend it any which way and am free to follow my whims- and boy am I a whimsical person. Plus having a weekly paycheck is a cool little magic trick. I'm not chasing the money, I'm literally just showing up for it. It feels divine.

I don't have as much free time to focus on my creativity. That's true and is one of the things I was afraid of when considering a normie job. There is some pain there, I won't lie. More interestingly though, any time that I do decide to devote to my creativity is joyful and childlike. I'm playing again! There is no force, shame, or fear, just flow! No niching down, no "what would be best for the business", no artistic compromise, no saying yes to commissions and collabs because I need the money when I know I'd rather not. I can just follow my heart. It's like I've got the magic back! It is slow, which can be scary but it is reeeeeeaaaaaal. Authentic! True! THAT'S my dream. Feels big, kids.

I was gonna write about my love life and other thangs but now my brain says it's tired making words and wants to paint instead. Yes, brain (heart?)! I will follow your lead!

I'm not done with business, I just don't need it to save me now. I'm alive!